Coffee Beads

I am a Mess. Always been a Mess. Will Cry and Crib and will eventually find solutions, to get out of such a Mess just to stop being a Mess.
Who knew, I’ll stop listening to my inner voice one day.

It has been so long since I have written something when I actually wanted to write something. I guess, I was extremely happy or frustratingly sad to neglect the idea of writing even before it crossed my mind. But it’s never too late for all of this.

So, what exactly are these little worldly problems of mine? Maybe, a broken string of my old guitar that is needed to be changed but I’m already overburdened with other silly unavoidable work. Or maybe, I’m wandering around in the park and find a pretty little insect and want to click a picture of it just to post it on Instagram with a poetic quote but cannot do it because of a cheap phone that I want to throw far away, enough to forget even about its existence.

Or maybe, I might have started loving someone so much, that it hurts. Yes, that is one possibility. I don’t know, I’ve always tried to be one of those elves of Santa, trying to spread this feeling of cheerfulness everywhere. I realized later, that it’s not appreciated all the times. People do really like sticking to the feeling of sadness, irritation, sticking to issues of the past that cannot be brought back to normalcy even after years of constant prayers. People everywhere love the idea of getting drunk, or high or jump off bridges because they are sad. They crave for being treated for happiness but shoo away people like me.
No! I’m not boasting here, or something. I actually do carry a warm feeling of humbleness in my bloodstream when I meet them. It’s just consequential that things go in the bad direction. Well, that’s what I tell myself for some consolation.

Now for an instance, I have this Sunshine in my life. Very cheerful being! I mean, I haven’t seen a better specimen of happiness bundled up in ze from head to toe. But ze has a problem of getting annoyed very easily over things I mention and do around ze. I mostly feel, ze’s reaction is genuine.
I was born an a**hole.

Being an a**hole is not the Worldly Little Problem of mine here, the problem is how to get that cheerful Sunshine back?
I am emotionally down on such a level where even a crying emoticon can mess me up from inside. I sometimes shout and tell people that I’m on PMS, please maintain distance and walk as far as you can. But this only happens majorly when I’m on medication, like in the present case. I’m very ill these days.

People close to me and their feelings are of a prime concern to me, and it’s been like this since years now. I have so many close friends, that I’ve even stopped counting them. But everyone has a different place in my life. Every one among them is equally competent to question me about anything I do.
But when does this equation change? When should I stop being nothing but annoyance?

I’m a potential threat to people’s personal liberty. That’s how I tend to think of myself at times.
Writing all of this also compels me to question myself that am I doing write stating such things about my life like this. Sometimes, I don’t care. Sometimes, I care enough to find myself choking helplessly.

People say, all these things are in my head. Everyone is fine, with the way things are going and there is nothing required as such to be changed.

I have a problem of thinking, rethinking, and eventually end up overthinking. I know, I’m killing myself, yet I fascinate the bloodshed of suicide. My Little Worldly Problems have no solution as of now. But Hope is what I believe in and will continue to believe in until my last breath.

For a Sunshine, I smile.